Introduction and Methods Section
The Effects of Exercise on Stress Levels Paxton Kocher University of Iowa Introduction Exercise has always been regarded as a way to blow off steam, let out emotion, or forget about a hard day’s work. Time in the gym is routine for many people, and it has been proven to keep people healthy. However, time in the gym is not just about physical results. Research has suggested that working out is a way to ease stress and anxiety, but the question that needs to be asked is, how effective is it? Multitudes of studies about the correlations between stress and working out have been performed over the years. Many of them point to how regular exercise reduces reported stress. The first way stress is suggested to be relieved from exercise is due the positive emotions that are created. A 2014 study on the impact...
I got a very good overall impression from your first rough draft. The analytical report was well written and it is quite clear you put a lot of effort into it. I liked how you're introduction clearly introduced your findings. In addition to this, the way you divided your essay up also helped improve the readability of your essay. I think you did a great job in explaining SLR for both academic and non academic sources. The few errors that you did have didn't really harm the flow of the essay, or the readability.
ReplyDeleteOne area of improvement would be your use of the sources. I felt like you relied to heavily on the interview as evidence and barely used your other sources. A way to improve upon mthis would be to add some more evidence from your academic and non-academic sources to your SLR sections.
Then you could have a greater variety of evidence that you could use to strengthen your paper. It is important that your paper has a variety of sources under each heading and subheading.
Another area you could improve on was repetition. Throughout your paper, you repeated the same basic phrases and transitions. Try to make your transitions more advanced phrases instead of repeating "also", "however" and other basic stuff. Transitions help the readability and general organization of your paper. At times, your paragraphs had no transitions leading into them. I think it's important to use transitions especially if you are introducing a new idea.
Grammar is also something you could improve on. Your paper had a lot of problems with run on sentences and in text citations. A way you can imrpove on this is to double check your paragraphs for sentences that have too many commas or "ands". For examle, in your paper had a sentence that had 5 commas and two "ands". That run-on sentence doesn't necessarily hurt the overall message of the essay but it does hurt the readability. To fix this you can divide a long sentence like this into two or three seperate sentences. Your intext citations for both academic and non-academic sources were missing the page number or paragraph number. An example from your paragraph would be when you put (Hutt & Walker, 2015). But it should also include the paragraph number that the quote was from or page number. It should look like (Hutt & Walker, 2015, P. #) or (Hutt & Walker, 2015, Paragraph #)
For a first impression, I could recognize the effort you put into developing your paper. You started strong quote in your intro, and the rest of the paragraph made it clear what types of sources were out there in the business world, so I was mostly able to get an understanding of your message throughout the paper. I think you got good content from your interviewee. There were some things I would improve, however.
ReplyDelete1. I found myself often needing more of an explanation for some of your quotations. I was curious how you thought they relate or add substance to your findings. I would be helpful to have more analysis of them after they were stated. Some transitions between quotes and the next discussed substance were choppy, so you may want to break them up into separate paragraphs or try to weave them together better.
2. I mentioned the quote in my first impression. That was a good intro, but your personal communication source was relied on quite a bit more heavily than the other sources. It felt like you noticed that, so you tried to put use a source just because. They were not too obviously stuck out, but expanding on their ideas could definitely help with the integration of different sources to round out your analysis.
3. Organization was not as clear as it could have been. Although it is good to wrap your findings together, some of the sections talked about information that could have been in a different category. For example, in the last chunk of the academic "structure" section, you bring up points about the references and talk about that and its credibility, which did not seem to fit in that paragraph.
Thank you! -Klaire